....

When did things get so confusing. ..
Life is so so so fucked

Semi... from 16.04.2014

I have had problems with this person for a long time.
when I met him he seemed really nice, but then he kept thinking that I was cheating on him when I wasn't.
He would leave recording devices around my house when he wasn't there so he could hear what I was doing.. all kinds of noises he would say was me "having sex" with someone or the walking around the house wasn't me it was a mans foot.
I would beg with him telling him its not what he thinks that it was always something innocent and only me.
He would stay up all night and keep coming in my room to wake me and yell at me saying I was a fat slut, or he knows I was "f55king" him.. (I never ever did anything)
the next day he would be really sorry to the point where he would cry and say he wont do it again.
but he did it again and again and again. for years I let him, but believed that he would change.
when I was pregnant with his child I used to get so worked up and crying because he still kept trying to say I was cheating on him.. kept recording me.
He also threatened me to get a paternity test because he thinks the baby is not his.
when I was pregnant was the first time he hit me, he slapped me in the face because I was having a panic attack after him yelling at me. he said it did it to calm me down.
After this only got worse,he got a video camera and put it at the front door hidden, it wasn't until I had a friend over, and the kids turned on the tv downstairs that a video image of the front door came up on the screen which then the kids started jumping around saying ohhhh there is a camera there thinking it was funny. I however did not,,, and its my friends child who found it.
I passed it off... I said something to Michael and he fobbed me off... I hate the confrontation.
before the baby was born, we moved in together.
things were really great, he was supportive and loving.
He lost his job and things just got really nasty, I couldn't do anything right.
It was like he had several personalities. He started shoving me about, drinking more and we hardly had any money.
He lied a lot saying he was here and there but he was somewhere else.
he snuck out in the middle of the night to go to the pub when I was sleeping.
we broke up that year before Christmas.
I still kept in touch with him, he saw our son a lot.
we had an ok friendship but he still turned up at my house drunk and accused me of sleeping with all kinds of people when he wasn't there.
the police were called 12 months ago from a neighbour
He was particular angry.
he had been at  HIS ex wife's place who said she saw photos of our son on myspace. Michael was extrealmy angry at me saying he didn't give me permission to put them up there... I had not been on that website for years and looked to show him that the child that his ex wife had seen was the baby photos of my son from a previous relationship.
He was so worked up, he couldn't believe me.
He kept going and going at me, yelling right in my face, I tried to push him away and he grabbed me and threw me down the stairs, my two older children were yelling at him to leave me alone and he turned to them and told them to shut up.
I grabbed the kids and went and hid in the kids room. they were so upset and I kept telling them that I was sorry. I rung my friend to come over.
she came over and spoke to Michael, asking him what he was doing here, then the police turned up.
Michael had to leave, and the police put in a dvo order for me.
I attended court, and Michael wasn't aloud to come near me within 12 hours of drinking alcohol.
He was living at his sisters at this stage and I didn't hear from him in a while.
but then he crawled his way back into my life again, I don't know why and how I let him.
he promised me he was changing and was on anti depressants for his moods.
he started seeing our son a lot more too. I got a job at a Christmas shop and he looked after our son as much as he could. which was very helpful,
This was such a mistake and I regret it soooo much
it was like I owed him, he would say to me he had been there all day looking after our child that he can stay here... so he would sleep down stairs..
he would verbally abuse me... calling me names and that I was lazy.. and then he always wanted sex, I never wanted too. I didn't want him to touch me. but it was the only think that would let him leave me be.
I basically cried silently whilst we have sex.. waiting for it to be over so that he could go back down stairs and I can sleep without being yelled at.
Whilst I was at work he started getting really really violent.
he kept thinking I had my ex come to my work and we did things... (which never happened) but he just gets thinking and keeps thinking . If I don't answer calls or messages then he assumes this.
I would get so worked up defending my honor that he would shake me and push me up against the wall to shut up.
It would happen every few days, I had bruises on my arms where he would grab me.
He picks on my oldest son, (from another relationship), its like he hates him cause he hates my ex.
I can see it, and I don't know what he wants me to do, I know I need to leave but Im scared
right before chirstmas, he was RIGHT in my face. yelling at me for something I cannot remember. I was holding his shoulders away from me.. so he whipped his head back and head but me in the nose.. breaking it.
it was the worst feeling ever.
I keep asking myself why don't I ring the police because I have the dvo. But I keep thinking he will change. I know he wont.
I have a million excuses.
NOw... I have let him move in, he lives down stairs..
his sister kicked him out.
he is lying, sneaking and emotionally forcing me to have sex.
I hate it, I don't want to.
I feel like I cant do this on my own
times I think its just not worth being here anymore.
its hard. but Im staying strong for my kids.
I don't want to loose my house, its so hard to find a home,
everything in the house is mine,
I keep making excusses, I wil do it later, I leave after this or that.
I want to stay in my home :( Its expensive, and I only JUST get by, but I have no one to help me and no where to go. and no money to move with :(
I am studying aged care at the moment, and my son is in day care which Michael is paying for because centerlink wont give me any help .. tho he hardly really pays I am paying. and I owe a lot of money, but I don't want to give up... I want to finish my course so I can get a job and support my little family.
I don't want my kids to grow up anymore around Michael, its not the right kind of life to live.
they hate him, I hate him but I cant seem to get him to go.