1st post for 2016

Just looking back on posts I've made before this, its crazy.
I'm still here, with that jerk of a man and I still cannot get him out of my life.
so so so much has happened, and any normal, sane person would have left especially after this.

He got king hit April 2015, he was at his exs, and so so much lies about it still comes about.
He should not have been there, drinking with his ex.. bla bla
I really don't want to get into it really.
Not worth talking about.

I've lost friends, my best friends avoid me cause they hate Michael.
if I was them, I would be still there, still supporting them... but no.. I'm left here alone, no one wants to visit. Hardly anyone talks to me.
Only one person visits... ONE friend.

I'm always messaging, hey. Always starting the conversations,
You think that ,that would make him leave...
NOPE.

I still put up with this shit, but with no more tears. (well not as much as before)
I really don't care... but I do really really care.
I don't react is more like it... but I do react... in ways no one sees..

For example....
Ive put on so much weight... and I means HEAPS.. I'm soooo fat. I stand in the mirror and cry at my body. I can stop eating for days and pass out and I LOOSE NOTHING.. I Can eat healthy... use shakes.. I loose NOTHING
I hurt myself... I pick my face, arms, legs . anywhere that it hidden. I wont relise Ive done it until its so sore, bleeding and I'm in tears angry at myself. what the fuck is wrong

I don't want to have sex... I force myself to.. because HE gets annoyed.
But after I always shower... cry and then pick....... again... and again... and again.


I really don't want to go out anywhere. I'm ashamed that I'm with Michael, and I'm ashamed that I'm FAT and ugly and who wants a friend like that.
I KNOW... when I feel really bad about myself, friends say OH your not fat, your beautiful.
STOP FUCKING LYING.
I KNOW IM FAT, I KNOW IM UGLY ... STOP GOD DAMN TELLING ME IM NOT.
My entire body image is fucked and there is nothing I can do to stop it.
Ive tried everything... and I would well and truly rather not be here then have to look at myself every day.

I feel awful for my kids, they have a mum that is a looser
they don't have their dad.
and the one that's here is a total fuckwit...
If it was not for them, I would just run away.
they would better be suited with a family that have a mum and a dad.
that have jobs
that own their own home
Not a Centrelink bludger.

cause that's their life..

a mum on benefits, and step dad who abuses them.. a mum who does not do anything about it.
they have to move house all the time cause I cant buy them a home to be stable in.
Ive done it all to them..
I ve brought them into the world and ruined their lifes.
they deserve so much better... I don't deserve them..
they are such wonderful kids...  and this life is FUCKED.