I am my own....

I am my own.

See me now, I'm stronger than before.
Your words as a weapon will not burn me. I am the ocean, waving water over your flames which now only burn upon my shore.

And like the ocean, with all her beauty and grace, buried deep within me is the past, the scars, the marks you left upon my body and my face.

I cried so much, I was reborn into the greatest blue there ever were and now I'm too strong to ever fall back on you. Look at where we are.

Try as you might, you'll never receive the same satisfaction you once did. Sticks and stones and words thrown, I'll speak the truths through the ocean foam. Calmy though, so that you know you cannot taunt me anymore. I am my own.

I will never be your commodity, your property, I will never be owned. What you had can never be bought or sold and in time you will reap exactly what you sew.

I will not draw satisfaction from your suffrage, hatred will never make me glow.

I am the ocean, and you are but a man trying to stir me pushing oars through me in a tiny paddle boat. I am my own.

My cup is empty!!

My cup is empty.
I have nothing left to give.
No options left.
I can't do this alone all the time.
Hours upon hours of therapy.
I'm still alone to deal with it and cope.
The isolation, the meltdowns, the never ending destruction and damage, the existing and not living.
I've tried. Oh gosh I've tried.
It's not enough.
It's never enough.
It will never be enough.
It will never be right. Or OK.
I've tried everything.
I just can't go on like this anymore.
My brave face is gone.
I'm lost in that deep dark black tunnel.
I cry every. Single. Day.

As usual I only log onto here when I I'm really upset but I guess that's a good thing because I want to document how I'm feeling right now so I can look back.


I just want to know....
How a TV show can make you feel such emotions... that I'm bawling over something that is not even sad. But is more like moments I've never felt in my stage of life.. or ever been treated like.  When I realise how much of a stuff up my life is.... that I'm not actually  afraid to disappoint others. .. but I have and continue to disappoint myself in the choices I've made.. and continued to make.
All this from a moment in Dawson's Creek!!!
Season 4 Episode  14
Right at the end when Joey and Pacey realise they're ready.

The emotions ....the love and caring. I don't know what else from this scene has made me feel completely useless.... has made me feel that my whole life and all the choices I've made so far have led me to being a single mum with three kids on government benefits living in a house half paid for by housing.

That I've let myself be in these awful relationships because I didn't think that I could do better or i thought that's what society wanted for me.
I believe that  relationships... that you have to be in it for the long haul that, there's no running away. But I know that I should have ran away long before I had kids.
 I was scared that it was right for the kids ....like I couldn't break them away from the family environment.

I didn't want to be put in that basket of the single parent label.
But I pushed and pushed and pushed so that the family unit could be together even though it was completely falling apart.

And now I'm really broken and I haven't felt all the things that relationships have because I was obligated to stay in a relationship but I wasn't happy because I thought it was the right thing to do for my kids.
I haven't felt the love with the special bond that people in a relationship have...because sex had always been a obligation and something that I have to do.
I missed all that because I was trapped in a mindset of what I should be instead of what I could be.

Now my kids are broken because of choices that I made... because I thought they were right and they weren't.