New you!!!

Well its a new year and as usual, nothing ever ever changes!

Life is well, crazy as all fuck.

Feb I got sleeve surgery and so far 4 months later I've lost 40kg. That's so damn huge for me and a massive accomplishment in itself. 

Its been a crazy journey that I don't care to repeat but more then happy to continue...

The beginning was really tough and fucked with  my head space in more ways then one.

It was and still is a massive mind fuck every single day.
In the beginning I got really sick and malnourished. I had ulcas all through my mouth and throat. These made eating even harder. I also have VERY low iron. Infusions may be #mylife all the time now.
I had to see a specific bariatric Dietitian to get my menu on track.
Didn't take long to feel much better once I knew what was best for me and my new tummy!

I'm never hungry, but I have to eat all the time ( may be a over exaggeration, but every 3 hrs is a damn lot considering I used to eat only once per day ) 

And only small amounts, this isn't what mind fucks you! Its really hard to put the "pen to paper" in regards to how it makes me feel emotionally.
Drinking a mouthful of simple water can hurt more then chewing and eating a piece of apple. How that works is beyond me.
I hide behind soups and shakes way too much, because its easy and it does not hurt.

I'm learning now eating is about quality and not the quantity of food i'm eating.
I always knew that before my surgery, but you really don't realise how important it is until its in your face and your LIVING it.

I don't want to look back, but look forward to the opportunity this surgery has given me and my quality of life.
I'm not getting "skinny" I am getting HEALTHY.
How you think is what matters, and how I feel is fantastic.

I feel good about myself, I can look in the mirror and  say
"Hey your beautiful" and never ever ever in my life have I ever said them words to myself until this last month.
To be honest I never thought I  ever would. It was a constant battle with self esteem, I hated myself, I was never good enough for anyone.
I was stuck in a fat girl mentality, that isolated me. All the way from high school when I refused to go to year 12 graduation. because I thought I was "too fat" to wear a dress or "too ugly" to look pretty in a dress anyways.  

To my adult life, where I stayed with a man because no one else would want me anyways. 

Afraid to be alone, to apply for work, to wear swimmers at the pools or shorts to the shops.

The surgery is more then just a weight loss journey.
Im not afraid of ME anymore. 

I am my own....

I am my own.

See me now, I'm stronger than before.
Your words as a weapon will not burn me. I am the ocean, waving water over your flames which now only burn upon my shore.

And like the ocean, with all her beauty and grace, buried deep within me is the past, the scars, the marks you left upon my body and my face.

I cried so much, I was reborn into the greatest blue there ever were and now I'm too strong to ever fall back on you. Look at where we are.

Try as you might, you'll never receive the same satisfaction you once did. Sticks and stones and words thrown, I'll speak the truths through the ocean foam. Calmy though, so that you know you cannot taunt me anymore. I am my own.

I will never be your commodity, your property, I will never be owned. What you had can never be bought or sold and in time you will reap exactly what you sew.

I will not draw satisfaction from your suffrage, hatred will never make me glow.

I am the ocean, and you are but a man trying to stir me pushing oars through me in a tiny paddle boat. I am my own.

My cup is empty!!

My cup is empty.
I have nothing left to give.
No options left.
I can't do this alone all the time.
Hours upon hours of therapy.
I'm still alone to deal with it and cope.
The isolation, the meltdowns, the never ending destruction and damage, the existing and not living.
I've tried. Oh gosh I've tried.
It's not enough.
It's never enough.
It will never be enough.
It will never be right. Or OK.
I've tried everything.
I just can't go on like this anymore.
My brave face is gone.
I'm lost in that deep dark black tunnel.
I cry every. Single. Day.

As usual I only log onto here when I I'm really upset but I guess that's a good thing because I want to document how I'm feeling right now so I can look back.


I just want to know....
How a TV show can make you feel such emotions... that I'm bawling over something that is not even sad. But is more like moments I've never felt in my stage of life.. or ever been treated like.  When I realise how much of a stuff up my life is.... that I'm not actually  afraid to disappoint others. .. but I have and continue to disappoint myself in the choices I've made.. and continued to make.
All this from a moment in Dawson's Creek!!!
Season 4 Episode  14
Right at the end when Joey and Pacey realise they're ready.

The emotions ....the love and caring. I don't know what else from this scene has made me feel completely useless.... has made me feel that my whole life and all the choices I've made so far have led me to being a single mum with three kids on government benefits living in a house half paid for by housing.

That I've let myself be in these awful relationships because I didn't think that I could do better or i thought that's what society wanted for me.
I believe that  relationships... that you have to be in it for the long haul that, there's no running away. But I know that I should have ran away long before I had kids.
 I was scared that it was right for the kids ....like I couldn't break them away from the family environment.

I didn't want to be put in that basket of the single parent label.
But I pushed and pushed and pushed so that the family unit could be together even though it was completely falling apart.

And now I'm really broken and I haven't felt all the things that relationships have because I was obligated to stay in a relationship but I wasn't happy because I thought it was the right thing to do for my kids.
I haven't felt the love with the special bond that people in a relationship have...because sex had always been a obligation and something that I have to do.
I missed all that because I was trapped in a mindset of what I should be instead of what I could be.

Now my kids are broken because of choices that I made... because I thought they were right and they weren't.

1st post for 2016

Just looking back on posts I've made before this, its crazy.
I'm still here, with that jerk of a man and I still cannot get him out of my life.
so so so much has happened, and any normal, sane person would have left especially after this.

He got king hit April 2015, he was at his exs, and so so much lies about it still comes about.
He should not have been there, drinking with his ex.. bla bla
I really don't want to get into it really.
Not worth talking about.

I've lost friends, my best friends avoid me cause they hate Michael.
if I was them, I would be still there, still supporting them... but no.. I'm left here alone, no one wants to visit. Hardly anyone talks to me.
Only one person visits... ONE friend.

I'm always messaging, hey. Always starting the conversations,
You think that ,that would make him leave...
NOPE.

I still put up with this shit, but with no more tears. (well not as much as before)
I really don't care... but I do really really care.
I don't react is more like it... but I do react... in ways no one sees..

For example....
Ive put on so much weight... and I means HEAPS.. I'm soooo fat. I stand in the mirror and cry at my body. I can stop eating for days and pass out and I LOOSE NOTHING.. I Can eat healthy... use shakes.. I loose NOTHING
I hurt myself... I pick my face, arms, legs . anywhere that it hidden. I wont relise Ive done it until its so sore, bleeding and I'm in tears angry at myself. what the fuck is wrong

I don't want to have sex... I force myself to.. because HE gets annoyed.
But after I always shower... cry and then pick....... again... and again... and again.


I really don't want to go out anywhere. I'm ashamed that I'm with Michael, and I'm ashamed that I'm FAT and ugly and who wants a friend like that.
I KNOW... when I feel really bad about myself, friends say OH your not fat, your beautiful.
STOP FUCKING LYING.
I KNOW IM FAT, I KNOW IM UGLY ... STOP GOD DAMN TELLING ME IM NOT.
My entire body image is fucked and there is nothing I can do to stop it.
Ive tried everything... and I would well and truly rather not be here then have to look at myself every day.

I feel awful for my kids, they have a mum that is a looser
they don't have their dad.
and the one that's here is a total fuckwit...
If it was not for them, I would just run away.
they would better be suited with a family that have a mum and a dad.
that have jobs
that own their own home
Not a Centrelink bludger.

cause that's their life..

a mum on benefits, and step dad who abuses them.. a mum who does not do anything about it.
they have to move house all the time cause I cant buy them a home to be stable in.
Ive done it all to them..
I ve brought them into the world and ruined their lifes.
they deserve so much better... I don't deserve them..
they are such wonderful kids...  and this life is FUCKED.

Soon.....

Somethings are just so complicated. 
I really don't understand how life can be great one moment and crappy the next.

I am so sick and tired of closing my eyes, grinning and baring it. Pretending Im "enjoying" it just so I can keep a calm and collected household.

Will it change?
Maybe

when?
I don't know :(

I am so confused, I thought I was mad... ready to go. 

but then I'm not. and I'm here

I want to be free... to do what I want without getting in "trouble"

Things will change soon.......

soon......

Deeper

....
Please I don't want any negativities or "I should have done this then when how why etc"
Dv aapt finally went through with today
I have a HUuuuuuuuuge headache.
and after talking to someone irl

I realise OMG how much shit and drama I deal with
I have My 1st ex Darren the father of my two older children
Michael,
and Michael's ex.

Last week I relised I can walk away... but my kids cant walk away 
I know many years here and irl I've had ppl tell me what I SHOULD do.. and why cant I JUST do it.
I don't know why, I don't know why and I don't know why.
and even today I don't know when it will all happen.

Its been so frustrating for years because when ever I talked about my issues, people would say
why don't u just take your kids and walk out..
why don't you think about your kids
do this
do that
your strong enough
I would have done it ages ago
this kind of thing really dug me deeper into my hole.

where would I go (there are lots of places u can go. shelters etc)
No I cant
yes do it now
even a DV page im on when I made a post people were just saying, I did it so can you, over and over again.

no one ever said, its ok... ill talk with you
ill listen
I understand
is there anything I can do
a HUG even
Just HUGE shoot downs Of what I should do, what they would have done
and I JUST COULDNT DO IT

I don't know why...
I just continued protecting my children
I just continued having sex forced upon me to keep him happy so he does not get angry at me or the kids.
I just continued the nights of crying knowing that this way I'm hidden and no one can see me or tell me what to do.